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0 Whales Saved! Greenpeace Searches for New Project

News that the whales are now officially saved is drawing mixed reactions from members of the activist group. “I guess I’ll go get a job now,” Bison Perch, co-founder of the group, told reporters, “I mean, don’t get me wrong – I’m REALLY happy for the whales and everything -…

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0 Sex with Kittens does NOT Cure Cancer

A recent study has shown that, contrary to earlier findings, sex with kittens does NOT cure cancer. Doctors are now scrambling to distance themselves from the issue. “Uhm… we are currently offering a full refund, no questions asked,” said a cashier at Petsmart, which has sold thousands of ‘Cancer Kitties’…

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0 Student Newspaper Caught in Bizarre Hazing Scandal

The Crimson White, the student newspaper at the University of Alabama, is currently under investigation for torturing students by forcing them to sit in front of a computer, for hours on end, watching a “carousel” of featured items on one of the Internet’s most vapid, inane websites. “It was just…

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0 Rising Hip-Hop Star Gunned Down by Grandmother

Hip-Hop Star Trippy Licks, best known for his songs “Beautiful Strong Black Women” and “Fun Lovin’ Gangsta”, was shot to death in his home last night by his grandmother, Jeanine Licks. Police suspect that the shooting was a publicity stunt by Granny Licks to promote her new album, “Bitch Slap”.…

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0 Leading Racists Band Together to Prepare for Y3K

In a rally in Ferguson, Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson announced yet another forward-thinking plan to end racism and bring unity and peace to America by the 3rd millennium. “They said Y2K was a problem,” Sharpton announced to the crowd, “But I tell you, there is something much more menacing…

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0 “I’m With Stupid” T-Shirts Banned in Arkansas

While the citizens of Arkansas have always shown a penchant for novelty gags – from trucker hats to wacky bumper stickers to Bill Clinton – the recent proliferation of “I’m with Stupid” T-shirts has finally prompted legislative action. “There comes a point when it’s just not funny anymore,” Governor Mike…