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0 Sex with Kittens does NOT Cure Cancer

A recent study has shown that, contrary to earlier findings, sex with kittens does NOT cure cancer. Doctors are now scrambling to distance themselves from the issue. “Uhm… we are currently offering a full refund, no questions asked,” said a cashier at Petsmart, which has sold thousands of ‘Cancer Kitties’…

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0 Whales Saved! Greenpeace Searches for New Project

News that the whales are now officially saved is drawing mixed reactions from members of the activist group. “I guess I’ll go get a job now,” Bison Perch, co-founder of the group, told reporters, “I mean, don’t get me wrong – I’m REALLY happy for the whales and everything -…

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0 SHOCK POLL: Most Americans are Complete Morons

The latest Rasmussen poll reveals that the majority of Americans who participate in polls are morons. 92% of respondents were unable to correctly answer a battery of questions quizzing their basic knowledge of science, math, and the humanities. Democrats blamed Republicans for failing to support public education. In turn, Republicans…

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0 Student Newspaper Caught in Bizarre Hazing Scandal

The Crimson White, the student newspaper at the University of Alabama, is currently under investigation for torturing students by forcing them to sit in front of a computer, for hours on end, watching a “carousel” of featured items on one of the Internet’s most vapid, inane websites. “It was just…

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0 “I’m With Stupid” T-Shirts Banned in Arkansas

While the citizens of Arkansas have always shown a penchant for novelty gags – from trucker hats to wacky bumper stickers to Bill Clinton – the recent proliferation of “I’m with Stupid” T-shirts has finally prompted legislative action. “There comes a point when it’s just not funny anymore,” Governor Mike…